I Am

I am the sound of coffee beans grinding in the minutes before dawn breaks

The smell of chile roasting, tumbling above the flames

The softness of a cashmere blanket and the stiff leather of the red wingback chair

The smell of the creosote bush after a desert lightning storm

The rustling of pages of books older than time

I am of latkes, and challah on a Friday night

Of chile pie, enchiladas, egg salad, and German chocolate cake

Of my Grahm’s secret fudge recipe that was less secret than I thought

Of my father’s famous brownies, fresh from the box

I am of whole wheat burritos stuffed with Miracle Whip and leftover turkey at my grandma’s on a hot afternoon

I am of musicals and theater: scrips and costumes, stages and sets, lights and makeup, of community of like-minded people

Of whispered backstage confessions between scenes, and hours-long conversations in the parking lot after late nights of rehearsals

Of blocking scribbled in the margins, endless days of memorizing lines and testing vocal intonations

I am of small town driving on quiet nights, lonely hikes through the forest, long walks on campus, invisible

Of endless afternoons of books and make-believe, story creation and creativity

I am of evening walks after Thanksgiving dinner, puzzles near the fire as snow drifts outside

I am of fire pits with friends, Halloween parties featuring the Rocky Horror Picture Show

I am of notebooks of scribbled writings, composition books folded together where stories jump from one book to another

I am from the strength and independence of my grandmothers

I am from the love and caring of my grandfather and father

I am from the intelligence and curiosity of my mother and her father

I am from the bonds of my siblings, of hands holding tight and late night conversations

I am out and proud, but I wasn’t always

I am outgoing and happy, but I wasn’t always

I am better than I was yesterday, and not as good as I will be tomorrow

I am of my past mistakes and regrets, my awkward social interactions and those who have walked this journey with me

I am who I am today because of the things I experienced yesterday

I am who I am today because of the things I want to experience tomorrow

I am me.

Accidentally

Unabashedly

Awkwardly

Painfully

Shockingly

Fiercely

Gleefully

Unexpectedly

Mysteriously

Me.